The part of my story that speculates why I became addicted to drugs is not important as well as the part that highlights how I used drugs. How we arrive at recovery varies for all addicts. I am sure that there are people out there who have similar stories about the ins and outs of how they grew up and the paths they took but one thing I have learned in recovery is that I am not unique. There is someone out there who has experienced the things I have experienced. However, in my opinion, that is not what is important. What is important is how I felt when I knew that my life needed to change.
I was 30 years old. I never saw myself leading the kind of life I had been living for the past two years. I had used drugs since the age of 12, but I never really had a problem with them or so I thought. I thought of myself as a functioning member of society. However, I was on the verge of losing a job that I really liked, I was lucky to have found it because I had become unemployable. Little did I know, there was no saving it. I was homeless – had been for nearly a year. I had been disowned by my family and lost a number of good friends. I had dropped out of school, but not before using two semesters worth of school money in order to feed my habit. My first prayers were “if I could just get a good job, a place to live, and away from the people I was hanging out with, I could quit! I could make it!” Well, it did not work. Not until my prayers became unselfish – when they just became “please help me” did I get any answers.
My boss at the time suspected I had a problem. He used the Internet to find a place where I could get help. He gave me the phone number and on January 26, 2005 I called Nexus Recovery Center for Women and Children in Dallas, Texas. They did an intake interview over the phone and asked if I could be there that Friday, the 28th. I agreed. I was hesitant. I was not quite sure that I needed to quit doing all drugs. I just thought that I needed to get off the Meth. Even so, I was not sure I wanted to quit using Meth. I actually stashed the little I had left and my paraphernalia at my friends house among my things that were stored there. I was not clean when I went into rehab. I partied right up until I was picked up to go. I was throwing away dope outside the facility in their trash cans. I barely remember the intake. It was lunch time when I got there. I remember being walked to the cafeteria to eat. Next thing I recall is being assisted up from the table and walked to another building. After that, the next clear memory I have is waking up in a dark room on a small twin bed. It took me a moment to realize where I was. Then, the first thing I remember feeling is an intense feeling of gratitude. I had made it! I was not dead!
My stay in rehab was only two weeks. Looking back, should I have stayed longer? Possibly, but I have been clean since January 29, 2005 so I must have picked something up, right? I think that deep down, even though I was unclear of what I really wanted – I really did want to be clean. I really did want to live my life differently. One week into the program, I informed my friends of where my “stash” was and told them I did not care what they did with it – I just did not want it to be there anymore. I knew that if I were to change my life – drugs and alcohol would no longer be part of it. They were included since I was 12 and obviously that way was not working out for me.
I have a support network of people who are in recovery. I have a mentor who guides me through a spiritual program of change. Naturally, people do not change. That is where spirituality and the help of a power greater than myself comes in. I am learning to live by spiritual principles. I am not turning my back on my past, I am accepting it, embracing it, and learning from it.
I have picked up my education and am almost finished with my Associates Degree in Health and Human Services for Chemical Dependency Counseling. I’ve been on the Dean’s List since coming back to school. Its amazing the things you can accomplish in a clean state of mind. After I complete this course of study, I plan on trying my hand in the field of Psychiatry. I do not know if I will make it – but I am not afraid of trying. Failure is no longer something I fear or something I am familiar with – it is no longer a way of life.
I also make sure that I take care of myself physically. I terrorized my body for so long with chemicals, it deserves to be treated better. I make sure I get regular check ups, eat right, and maintain a program of physical fitness. Yoga has been a great way to meditate and keep my body in shape.
It is also important to me to not only give back to those who have helped me who are on the same path but also become educated to help others in the community. I was a wretch on society. I have to give back to society as a whole. That is why I wanted to help the Partnership for a Drug Free America. I want others to know that there is hope. You can recover from drug addiction and change your life – it’s never too late!!