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Experts suggest that people who know someone who might have a problem with alcohol or other drugs should observe behaviors and have a conversation with that person based on what they see.
But if that person is your young adult child (18-25 years old) who lives away from home, this strategy might be difficult to apply. You may see or speak to your child only sporadically. If weeks or months go by before you see or speak to your child, how can you monitor behavior and ask them to change?
Seeking treatment for your young adult son or daughter is another challenge. Children who are independent no longer have health insurance coverage from their parents — but might not have insurance through an employer, either. Without insurance, treatment options are more limited. Additionally, in most states, parents of children over 18 cannot compel them to go to or stay in treatment.
Sometimes even minor substance-related arrests accumulate and may eventually lead to prison time, turning the substance use into a legal, rather than a medical, problem and making it even more difficult to treat.
You might be getting frustrated, worn down, cynical, angry, or hopeless. But these challenges are not insurmountable.
Whenever possible, try to intervene early. Look for consistently heavy or excessive use; or, regular or sporadic, risky use. Urge your child to have an evaluation by a medical, mental health or social service professional who is knowledgeable about substance use problems.
If you can't intervene early, people with substance use disorders can be helped at any stage. It is never too late.
Because so many behaviors should be examined in deciding how severe a substance problem is, people need a formal evaluation by a professional. Don't try to make this determination yourself — you aren't always present to observe your child's behavior, and some symptoms may not be obvious. Because of the potential seriousness of addiction, and because the problem can progress rapidly, it is urgent to get an assessment immediately — as soon as you suspect substance use is involved. Don't wait.
No, you are not to blame. People develop particular habits and traits due to a multitude of factors, such as their personality, living environment, life experiences, genes, surroundings, and friends and family. It is neither accurate nor helpful to blame yourself for someone else's substance use problems. What is most important is focusing on the future and how you can positively reinforce the benefits of sobriety. Examine your own patterns and behavior, and try organizing family activities without alcohol or other drugs. Family members do not cause the problem, but can be a crucial part of the solution.
If your child is experiencing medical or legal crises, point to these as examples that show the extent of the problem. When the acute impacts of the crisis have been alleviated, talk about the need for help. In these situations, help has a very good chance of being accepted.
But resist the urge to enable the substance use to continue by rescuing your child from the negative consequences without pressuring him to seek help. Persist in therapy or treatment. People often decide to change their behavior because they experience painful crises. If you rescue your child, you will reduce the impact of those experiences. Do not tell lies to cover for your child's behavior. Do not let your son stay at your home when he's been thrown out of his. Do not explain to your daughter's boss that her belligerent behavior is not really "her" but caused by "stress."
It's your child, so of course you will feel protective. But if you cover up, you're making the problem tolerable. Clear expectations and clear penalties have the best results. You must do everything you can to help your child stop using substances. It could wind up saving his or her life.
If you think your child has a substance use problem, you can start by not allowing drinking or drug use around you. Be clear about what behavior you will and will not tolerate. For example:
- Do not come to my home drunk, high, or with drugs on you.
- If you visit us when you are high, we will not let you in.
- None of your friends can come here drunk, high, or with drugs on them.
- If you or your friends refuse to leave, we'll call the police.
Make only those threats you plan to implement. Empty threats diminish your authority.
Parents worry that if they refuse to allow a child to drink or use other drugs at home, then that use will just happen in more risky or dangerous places. But when someone has a substance use disorder, any drinking or drug use is dangerous. It cannot be the family's responsibility to provide a place for it, or the family's responsibility to follow the person around to make sure it doesn't happen.
Tell your child that you won't accept verbal promises, and that the only credible behavior will be demonstrated by movement in the direction of positive change.
Many parents need support to take such a firm stand and maintain it over a long period of time. Al-anon and/or professional help can provide this for the family or for you individually. The better you care for yourself in this alarming situation, the better you'll be able to help your son or daughter.
If your child agrees to treatment, or even agrees to consider it, make connections with a treatment center right away. Have phone numbers for alcohol and drug counseling services, physicians who are knowledgeable about alcoholism and drug dependence, local hospitals that treat alcoholics and addicts, and Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous available and ready.
You may have to be the one to choose the treatment. This task may seem daunting, but remember: there are no "right" or "wrong" choices, and any health care professional with knowledge of substance use disorders can help you.
Don't stop there. Remember that agreeing to treatment is only the first step toward getting well. Your child will need your direct support and steady involvement every step of the way if he or she is to get well.
Parents are often so relieved that their child has agreed to treatment that they feel guilty and experience self-doubt. Put your mind at ease. It's a common feeling. Families do feel relieved of the intense stress, and have a right to feel that way. It does not mean that your child was sent to treatment unnecessarily, or that the family members made a selfish decision.
If you have:
- told your child about your concerns in a clear and caring way
- set limits to avoid supporting or enabling destructive behavior
- found support for yourself so that you can participate in other aspects of family life
- tried again to talk to your child about the problem and treatment and you haven't had gotten through, you may need to detach from the situation and wait until another crisis occurs. When that happens, hopefully it will create a new opportunity to intervene. Meanwhile, stay as closely attuned to your child's moment-to-moment life as you can. Tragic overdoses and deaths can happen early in the course of a child's substance using experimentation.
Show your willingness to do anything to help your child get treatment in the future. For example, you can say: "I will go with you to Twelve Step meetings. I will go with you to meet with a physician, counselor, social worker or family therapist. I will be involved in whatever way the treatment program thinks I could be of most help."
You may need to withdraw financial and emotional support or end all contact with your child, if all else fails. Let your child know that you will always be available when he or she decides to get help.
Source: Mary Ann Amodeo, Join Together; Partnership for a Drug-Free America
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