Having trouble finding time to talk to your kids about drugs? Or even worse – having trouble finding the right words? Here are some suggested conversations for you to practice before you have the talk.

Please Note: Be sure to adjust your communication depending on your child’s age, experience and involvement in the subject. An idle curiosity question from a young adolescent, prompted by something in a movie or in the news, should be handled differently than a question where you suspect there is more going on in the child’s immediate social world related to drug use that is prompting the question (i.e. a friend getting caught trying marijuana).  

Keep in mind that a long and heavy response to a simple question can be off-putting. In other words, don’t offer more information than the teen can digest at the time, or responds with intensity or tone that does not match where the child is coming from in asking the question. That can close the door to more ongoing communication about health issues and consequences, instead of opening it further.

You’ve got a problem and I need to talk to you about it…

Parent: I love you and I’m concerned about you.

Teen: Huh?

P: It’s hard for me to start this conversation, because I never imagined I’d have to and also because you might be upset with me.

T: So don’t.

P: Believe me, I’d rather not! But I have a genuine worry about you and your drug/alcohol use.

T: What?

P: I’m pretty sure (or very sure) you are smoking pot (or using a drug/or drinking). I’m going to ask you to come clean with me and tell me what’s going on.

T: Nothing.

P: Well, my job just got harder. I was hoping that you would be eye to eye with me, but I see I have to get “parental.”

T: Why? You don’t have to if you don’t want. I sure don’t want you to.

P: I have to because it is my job to make sure you are safe. Your substance use puts you at risk.

T: For what?

P: For being in dangerous situations like driving a car, for having a lifetime substance abuse problem, not to mention that it is illegal.

T: So what?

P: You may remember that we have a “no drugs or underage alcohol” policy in this family.

T: (silence)

P: You have broken our policy, and so there are consequences.

T: Like what?

P: We are rolling back your social life until you are able to have an open, honest conversation with us.

T: That is so stupid. You can’t.

P: We can and we will. That’s our responsibility: to make sure you are healthy and strong. We don’t believe you can be your best if you do drugs/drink alcohol, so we are going to help you to stay away from them until we are sure you can help yourself.

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You’ve scared me and broken our rules. Here’s how we’re going to help you.

Parent: We are so scared, we hardly know what to say.

Teen: What are you talking about?

P: You have been using drugs/drinking.

T: No I haven’t.

P: We know you have. And there have been a number of times in the past couple of weeks, when we’ve noticed something is terribly wrong. Now we know what it is.

T: What are you talking about?

P: We don’t know how long this has been going on, but it must stop now, because we feel we are losing you. You have had a total personality change—you don’t seem to care about anything anymore…school work, your job, our family, even keeping yourself clean! We know you are supposed to be growing and changing. But there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy change. The changes we see are very unhealthy and we’re going to help you get them under control so they don’t destroy your life and your future.

T: I don’t care about my future.

P: That is clear to us, and one of the reasons we are so disappointed. Remember when you did …(use a positive example of behavior from the past)?

T: That was when I was a baby.

P: But you had something: a purpose… (or a talent, a special ability, a quality) which has gotten clouded over by your substance use. And you certainly won’t be able to develop your potential in such a clouded state. We still believe in you. So we’re going to help you bring that gift you still have back into focus. The first step will be to give up using the substance(s).

Our rules and consequences are going to be very firm, because you have broken them. But in the long run, the rules are going to help you get back to being yourself. And you are going to be so proud of yourself! You will be proud of two things: for bringing back your special abilities and for beating the drug/alcohol dependency.

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Do you want to tell me what’s going on?

Here are some suggested responses if your teen says:
“Get out of my face. Why are you always coming down on me?”
“Just leave me alone. I hate you.”
“Everyone’s smoking/drinking …what’s the big deal?”

Parent: I’m sensing that something really serious is going on in your life. Can you tell me what is happening to you?

Teen: I don’t know.

P: That’s not like you to not know. With the events of the past couple of weeks/ months I know that something is different, could you tell me about it?

T: No.

P: There have been so many changes. Do you see the changes in yourself?

T: Yeah.

P: I’m scared about the changes I see. Why do you think they are happening?

(At this point, if the teen says he/she is scared or even a little worried, consider this a major victory! The next step would be either 1. Make a pact with your teen that he/she will follow the rules and that you will help by being vigilant about rules and consequences, or 2. Set up a meeting for treatment and/or counseling so that you both can get help about your concerns.)

T: I’m not worried, that’s so lame.

P: I guess I’m going to worry for both of us right now. Do you know that I love you?

T: I don’t care.

P: Well, part of my worry is that I am responsible for you, part is my instinct to protect you and part is just that I care so very much for you.

T: So what.

P: So, that makes it very important for me to set up rules and situations so that you will be protected and cared for. But I feel like I’m going to need help to do this, because my protection hasn’t worked too well so far. I’m going to suggest that we go to a treatment center where they help families deal with these problems.

T: I’m not having a problem.

P: Well, our family is having a problem with you. And you are having a problem following our rules.

T: Maybe I should just leave the family.

P: No way! We love you and need you to be part of us…We just want every member to be healthy.

T: (Storms away)

P: (In non-threatening tone) I’ll let you know the date of our first meeting.

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In each of the following examples, the teen is upset. As a parent, you will probably feel provoked by your son or daughter’s response. It is very important for you as a parent not to get hooked into the feeling, and not to get upset. It is very important for you to stay calm and on task. One way not to get upset is to take a deep breath and relax yourself, another way is to imagine you are dealing with them as you did when they were an infant: you tolerated their crying, but maintained your cool. Do what you need to do to stay calm.

What to say if your teen says: "Get out of my face, why are you always coming down on me?"

“Wow, you are right. This shouldn’t be a fight at all. I intend to come down on your drug/alcohol habit, but I don’t intend to attack you personally. Let me start over again and get us started on the right track.”

“This parenting stuff is so hard! You are scaring the heck out of me and it’s making me feel like I want to challenge you. I wish we could work together on this problem -- would you be willing to work with me?”

“I feel that your drug/alcohol use is so dangerous that I have to come down hard. I will let up as I see you gain some control over it yourself. Maybe we could figure out together what signs would show that you are handling this really serious problem.”

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What to say if your teen says: "Just leave me alone. I hate you."

“It sounds like you are really angry at me. But I can’t leave you alone, even if it makes you angry. Believe me, it is painful to me that you hate me. However, I have a responsibility to you and for your safety.”

“When this is over, I’m pretty sure you will love me once again. But even if you don’t, I would never be able to forgive myself if I left you alone right now. Drug and alcohol problems require all the muscle you can give to beat them. I’ll be right here to help you.”

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What to say if your teen says: "Everyone’s smoking/drinking…what’s the big deal?"

“First of all, not everyone is doing it. However, honestly, even if everyone were, I still wouldn’t want you to do it. Would you like me to list the reasons why?”

1. It’s illegal and the legal consequences are quite serious.
2. It’s dangerous and here are the physical consequences: getting into dangerous sexual situations, getting into a vehicle under the influence, falling, otherwise injuring yourself or others, physical limitations from being hungover or foggy, problems with healthy brain development.
3. It’s dangerous and here are the psychological consequences: You could be using alcohol or drugs to avoid your anxiety or a depression, which masks but doesn’t solve the problem. You certainly lose sight of your long-term goals, your priorities get scrambled, and your brain chemicals shift because of the qualities of the drug. Alcohol use is known to work on the brain chemicals as a depressant. Not to mention it makes people act stupid.
4. We have family members/ or I remember a friend from high school/ who lost their entire life and everything that was important to them: family, spouses, kids, jobs, self-respect, you name it to substance abuse. You might not have a problem that serious, but there is no way of knowing whether you will or not and it is so much easier not to put it to the test.
5. I like life better without being foggy. It is so much more interesting, more vibrant, more moving without alcohol or drugs. I want you to have that experience.

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What to Say if you Find Drug Paraphernalia in Your Teen’s Room.

Mom: Sarah, we need to talk.

Sarah: About what, Mom?

Mom:  I noticed that some money is missing from my wallet, and I also found some things I don’t like in your room.

Sarah: You went through my room? What were you thinking?! That’s so wrong.

Mom: I thought it was warranted – you’ve been acting so differently lately, you don’t talk to me much anymore and then forty dollars was gone. I’ve had enough and I want to talk to you. Why did I find a bowl in your room?

Sarah: (reacting) It’s not even mine!

Mom: I don’t care whose it is – it was in your room, so somehow you’re involved.

Sarah: Whatever, it’s nothing. It’s not like I’m shooting up heroin or anything.

Mom: So, what are you doing?

Sarah: NOTHING!

Mom: Sarah, just be honest with me. I am not going to get angry and mean – I want to help you.

Sarah: Mom, everyone smokes pot – it’s like smoking cigarettes.

Mom: Sarah, not everyone smokes pot. Why do you think you need to do this? You are such a smart, bright girl. You have so much to lose by doing drugs -- including my trust.

Sarah: I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. I just don’t see the big deal.

Mom: A big deal? Of course it’s a big deal – marijuana is illegal, not to mention very bad for you. You could get hooked on smoking pot, and even on other drugs twice as harmful. I believe in you – I think you have the potential to be a great soccer player and get into a really good college. You need to see this as well. You can still be cool and have fun with your friends and you don’t have to smoke weed or do anything else. Is there anything else…?

Sarah: NO! Mom, who do you think I am?

Mom:  I don’t know anymore – if you smoke weed, what’s to say you don’t do anything else. See, here’s the trust issue we talked about. Salvage my trust in you and stop right now.

Sarah: Fine.

Mom:  At what point would you consider a drug use a problem?

Sarah: I don’t know. Probably when someone is addicted.

Mom: Have you ever wondered about a friend who has a problem with drugs? How did it start out? How did it change over time? Why did he or she progress to more and more usage? Just think about it.

Sarah: Okay, Mom. I’ll think about stopping.

Mom: No, I want you to really stop. Why don’t we start with a month? See if you can stop smoking weed for one whole month – a month from today exactly. We’ll talk more about this over the next month and see how it’s going and how you feel.

Sarah. Okay, deal.

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What to say if your teen asks if you’ve ever smoked pot.

John: Dad, I was looking at your photo albums from college – you and mom were hippies.

Dad: Yes, you could have called us that. We did a lot of things, because we didn’t know any better.

John: In some of the pictures it looked like you were smoking a joint – did you do a lot of drugs back then?

Dad: Not a lot of drugs – but I did smoke weed. John, you have to understand that drugs today are a lot more potent than they were when I was in college. I would never, under any circumstances, smoke weed today.

John: I don’t know, Dad. I know a lot of kids who smoke weed – nothing bad has happened to them…

Dad: Yet. They will never know if they are smoking weed that was laced with something stronger and even more dangerous like cocaine, heroin or PCP. Those drugs can really mess you up, John. You could get addicted or overdose.

John: Whatever, Dad.  I don’t understand why it was ok for you, and not for me.

Dad: Because like I said before, things were different back then. Drugs are more dangerous now, and you are growing up in a house with different rules. I do not approve of drug use, I do not want you to smoke drugs – I have higher expectations of you. It would disappoint me if you were to do something so stupid.

For more information on this topic, read Answering the Question: "Did you ever use drugs"?

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What if you want your kid to explore the problem more, like in therapy, and he/she refuses to go?

First, ask why he or she doesn't want to go. They might have a specific reason that might be simple and could be directly addressed, like fears of the therapist and the parent talking when secrets revealed to the therapist would be disclosed. So, reminding the child about the issue of confidentiality is important in allaying those fears.

Second, put the child in charge of the selection process. Go to two or three therapists and have the child get a feel for the person. Then, they choose -- not the parent. The relationship is key and having the child participate in selecting the therapist is important.

Third, select a timeline like a six session trial period. At the end, everyone would reevaluate it and then see what makes sense. They do not have to agree to a never ending course of therapy.

Finally, remember that ultimately the parent sets the structure for the family. If the child still refuses to go, say in a calm, reassuring way (watch for your anger seeping through) that not going is not an option. Therapy must happen, even if the child refuses to talk. The question for the child is whether they want to participate in how it is going to begin and end. Remember that few children want to seek psychotherapy, but unconsciously they need the parent to be stronger than they are.

Source: The National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign and the Partnership for a Drug-Free America; Dr. Daniel Goldberg, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist