My sister, Sandra, was 12 years younger than me.  We had more of a mother/daughter relationship than the sisterly kind.  She was a troubled soul.  She was always trying to fit in with the wrong people.  

I was had just given birth to my first son when we found out that Sandra was addicted to heroin.  It is an epidemic in my hometown.  My parents (not wealthy people) sent her away to a therapeutic boarding school.  She was there for 18 months.  I only saw her two or three times in that year and a half.  We wrote to each other.   I tried to support her in getting well. 

When she came home from her program she seemed OK for a little bit.  At this time I had moved out of state, but we were in close touch.  She came to visit me for a few days.  She wasn't well.  Headaches/backache, short temper.  She had also been diagnosed w/ Bipolar disorder.  I chalked it up to that.  My mistake.  She had been using again, but wasn't able to bring her junk b/c she took a plane to see me.  She was in withdrawal.  I didn't suspect.  I didn't want to.  This was the last time I would see her beautiful face.   It was mid-July.

That September I found out I was expecting a new baby.  Sandra was excited.  She was hoping for a girl.  I felt her drifting away.  My mom and step dad (Sandra's father) had divorced.   She didn't have a good support system.  She was using hard again.  My mother read her name in the police blotter of the local paper.  Possession of heroin.  She chose not to confront her.  Why?  I don't know.  When my mother told me (weeks later) I confronted Sandra.   I begged her to stop using.  I told her I loved her, and couldn't live with myself if something happened to her.  I didn't want her to die.  She told me she didn't want to die.  But she didn't know how to stop.  I didn't know what to do.  I was 5 hours away.  I told her to stay where she was.   I got in touch with my Uncle who picked her up until my mother could get to her. 

My mother opted to detox her at home.  She was sick for a while.  She went to stay with my Mother and Grandmother.  My mother had a boyfriend that had no use for Sandra.  She was "in the way" of him and my Mother.  My mother went away for a night with him to AC.  Left my 77 y/o Grandmother in charge of my raging/addict sister.  Before I knew it she was stealing and running away again.  My mother kicked her out of my Grandmother's house.   She was missing for about a week.  She finally turned up, and would stay with my step dad and his girlfriend until she overdosed and died on December 30, 2005.  

We were in town to celebrate the holidays with my family, and my husband's family.  I would have seen her the next day.  I was sitting in my Grandmother's living room.  My two-year-old son sleeping in my lap.  The phone rang.  It was my step dad.  My mother fell to the floor screaming "Sandra's dead!”   The rest is a fog.  I remember a horrible noise coming out of my mouth.  I remember my husband trying to calm me.  I didn't believe it.  I wanted to see her.