I met Kevin almost two years before his passing.  I instantly fell in love with this person.  He was everything I ever wanted.  I can not recall ever looking at him and thinking he wasn’t good enough or that maybe there was someone better out there for me.  He was the best. 

Kevin was a recovering addict when I met him and relapsed during our relationship.  Our lives became different and hectic.  I started noticing many changes in the person he once was.  He became distant.  I struggled not only with dealing with his addiction, but with admitting he had a problem.  I wanted to blame everyone except him for any of his use. 

Eventually, we broke up and went our separate ways. Yet, we still talked on the phone and honestly never stopped loving each other.  A month passed after our breakup and I received a call from him.  For the first time he said, “I’m sorry for all that I have put you through and I am sorry for not being able to be the person you need me to be.”  I just listened to what he said and accepted his apology. When we hung up I cried like a baby. 

The next morning I woke up to a voicemail on my cell.  It was Kevin’s mother.  He was dead.  My heart has been broken ever since.  I have been told I was the last person he phoned.  His mother said the autopsy read 13 times the amount of cocaine in his system than he should have been able to handle. 

I have a very hard time coping with this.  I blame myself for not holding on tighter or not talking more the final day.  I have since moved on and married a wonderful man.  However, I cannot give myself completely.  I try to stay distant, yet I constantly worry if something is going to happen to my husband too.  I really don’t know how to deal with all of this.  I hurt constantly and don’t know how to heal.  It’s really as if my heart is broken. 

If I can reach out to one person that is fighting addiction and help them over come it, then I have reached my purpose for living.  I just wish people would realize how much it hurts those that truly do love them.