The knock on the door couldn't go ignored. I ran to the door and peeked out into a dark uniform and a badge. Another person wearing a different kind of badge was standing in the yard -- a social worker.
I had prayed that I would get in trouble. I knew this was the only way I would stop using meth. I was so sick of how I was living and how my kids had to live.
The knock came once more, with a stern command to open the door by the police officer. I unlocked the door, and the cop barged in with the social worker close behind him.
The social worker proceeded to tell me about the conversations she had with my kids at school earlier in the day. She told me that my kids would have to go with her. The police officer was there to arrest my abusive partner. I had three restraining orders against my partner, but we couldn't stay away from each other. And we definitely couldn't stay away from the meth.
Even though I knew this was how it had to be, I was angry -- at social services, at my partner, at myself!
After they took my kids I went into a residential treatment program. I learned a lot about my addiction. I learned I had to set boundaries with people, and be careful about the "playgrounds" where I might be tempted to use, like bars. I also learned to talk about life issues that were difficult to discuss. In treatment I learned that we're as sick as our secrets. I felt like my whole life was a big secret!
After making it a year living clean and sober, I started to drink regularly again. I also used drugs a few times again. My kids freaked out. They knew our lives were better when I went to Twelve Steps meetings and stayed sober. They made it clear that they would tell on me if I didn't stop drinking and using. I knew they deserved better. They had been through enough. I found some Twelve Step groups in my neighborhood and have gone regularly ever since.
Now sober for more than three-and-a-half years, I mentor other women in a drug court program. I love it. Though it was hard work to get sober, it was harder living like a junkie, not caring about anything but getting high or drunk.
I have a grat support system of people who understand me. I can talk to them when I feel twisted up over the things that happen in my life. Now I don't get as upset over issues like my finances, workplace dramas or relationships.
Today I am there for myself, and my family. We have a good, stable life. I don't have a bunch of strange people coming in and out of my house at any time, day or night. I have food in my house. Now I am really here for my kids.