WHO I AM

I am 42, and Puerto Rican. A single child, I was born and raised in New York in the Village (on St. Mark's Place). Today I live in Puerto Rico, and have four children between the ages of 8 and 24.

MY FAMILY

My

At the worst moment of her addiction Sylvia remembers thinking, “I just wanted somebody to end it for me.”

childhood was pretty rough. My father drank and beat my mother. I felt really helpless. One time, when I was 8, he hit my mother really badly and I saw her bleeding. He said he was going to kill her. She grabbed me and we ran out of the apartment. Somehow she stopped a bus on Third Avenue, and we got on. A couple of weeks later, we went back to pick up our belongings. When we entered the apartment, everything was a mess. My father had smashed all the furniture and broken everything. I had a toy organ that I loved to play -- he destroyed it. I felt complete hate.

DREADING THE HOLIDAYS

My father drank anything -- beer, hard liquor. Every time he had a big fight with my mother, he'd stop drinking for a short while. Then he'd start again. I was angry with my mother for continuing to go back to him. She would leave for a few weeks, then return. I hated summer. I hated Christmas. Any holiday was a justification for my father to start drinking and I dreaded it. I knew those

Syliva spent three years at Hogar Crea, a treatment center in Puerto Rico. “I thank the judge who helped me turn my life around and sent me to treatment. I finally had time for myself to learn who Sylvia was, and what had happened to her.”

were the times that dad was going to get into it with mom.

MY FIRST TIME USING

I felt alone -- I couldn't share my problems with anyone. I was an excellent student, but my home life affected me and I had no way to let my feelings out. My father died when I was 16. Sadly, I felt relief. I looked for new friends and one of them offered me weed. We smoked it by the fountain in Central Park. It felt good. I felt like I was on a cloud, somewhere else. I ended up losing my friends, because I progressed in my drug use, and they didn't. I tried acid and drank alcohol. I sniffed dope and before I knew it, I ended up smoking crack.

MY MOTHER

My mother didn't want to accept my drug use. Not Sylvia -- Sylvia was an A-student, her only child. My mother left for Puerto Rico to take care of her aging mother. I was 18, and stayed alone in the apartment, and became really wild. At 21 I had my son, Angel. I stopped using drugs during my pregnancy. After Angel

“I am so proud that I got over a deep drug addiction,” says Sylvia, “and that my children have seen a mother behaving the way she should.”

was born, my mother visited to meet her grandson, and I resumed smoking crack. During the first three years of Angel's life, I got deeper and deeper into drugs. A cousin wrote to my mother, telling her, "Your daughter is crazy, and on drugs, you better come pick up your grandson." My mother arrived and saw how skinny I was. We got into a big argument. I told her, "Take Angel with you." She wanted me to get into a program but I wouldn't go. I told her, "Doing drugs, this is what I love." I didn't write to her for six years. The next time I saw my son, he was 9 years old.

MY WORST MOMENT

I was smoking crack and selling myself for drug money. I was arrested three times and sent to Riker's Island (New York City's largest jail). Nobody came to see me. I was living on the street, sleeping on the subway or in parks. I was so tired. At the time, there was this nut going around hitting prostitutes and breaking bottles on them. One night I remember thinking, "I don't care.

As a treatment supervisor, Sylvia guides other women to wellness.

I'm going to sleep here on this bench, and if he comes around and bangs me on the head with a bottle, he's doing me a favor." I just wanted somebody to end it for me.

MY AUNT

I went to my aunt's house, and she begged me to call my mother in Puerto Rico. My aunt called my mother, and my mother asked me to come stay with her. I told her that if she sent me the money for a plane ticket, I would go. Two weeks later I dropped by my aunt's house. My mother had sent the money. My aunt said, "Mira, Sylvia, the ticket is here, I'm putting the date on it. Let's get you over there." I got on the plane with nothing, just the clothes I had on. My mother lived in public housing, and I went cold turkey there. Locked in my room, I thought I was going to die. I tried hard and stayed clean for about a month. Then my birthday came along. I was turning 31. I sat on the porch and thought about what I should do for my birthday. What did I decide to do? Heroin.

ENTERING

“I am in charge of 40 women in drug addiction” she explains. “And every time one finishes the program, I feel I am giving back what God gave me.”

TREATMENT

I met Carlos, another user, and got pregnant with my second child, Carla. Both his relatives and mine tried to get me help. I went into a 14-day methadone treatment program. On the 15th day, I was back using. I got pregnant again, with my third child, Genesis. She was born with withdrawal symptoms. The hospital workers were going to remove her, but I said I was going to get help. My mother took over caring for Angel, Carla, and Genny, and I went into a one-month residential program. But I didn't stop using. Carlos and I stole to support our habits. We took a stereo, microwave, and a gold bracelet from Carlos's mother, and she pressed charges. I was scared. Instead of jail, the judge ordered me into a residential program. I lasted 24 hours. Before, I walked out, I went over to my probation officer who told me, "Sylvia, if you don't go into treatment, you're facing three years of jail time." I realized this was serious, and checked myself into another treatment center,

“If you have tried any substance, seek help before it becomes an addiction,” Sylvia advises. “If you are in deep, get help. You can get out of this. It’s not forever. You are the one who decides to make that choice. We all have that choice.”

Hogar Crea. The regular residential program was two-and-a-half years; I stayed for three. I had group and individual therapy. After six months, I was still saying I was there because "they" sent me. After 10 months, I realized why I was really there.

MY TURNING POINT

I was out on a pass, visiting my mother. She was 60, and taking care of my kids. She said, "You know, one day I'm not going to be around." I saw Genny, I saw Carla, and Angel, such beautiful children. I realized I had to do something for my mother, my kids, and myself. Month by month as I was sober, I saw my kids grow. I started thinking about all I had missed. I felt that Genny didn't love me, she loved Grandma. My mother said, "Habla con Angel — speak to Angel." He was quiet and she worried about him. I went to him and said, "Angel, I'm sorry for what I've done to you. I'm so sorry. Is there something you have against me?" He just looked at me, and said, "Not really, it's just that I didn't have you. You weren't there." He was telling the truth, and it hit me hard. He was about 15, and I thought, I can't let that happen with my other kids. Carlos had also entered the program, and while he was there, I got pregnant with my youngest, Carlito. With Carlito, I learned what I had missed with my other children. God gave me that opportunity. Carlos left the program and continued using. When that happened, my counselor said, "Mira, Sylvia, Carlos left, but we want you to stay." I saw my mother's face and my kids' faces, and said, "You don't have to worry, I'm not leaving."

MY RECOVERY

I finished treatment in October 1995. Carlos came back into the program, completed it in 1998, and that year we got married. A year later we went our separate ways, as my self-esteem grew, and our lives expanded in different directions. I thank the judge who helped me turn my life around and sent me to treatment. I finally had time for myself to learn who Sylvia was, and what had happened to her.

I AM PROUD

I look back and see I've wasted so much time. I see couples with their own houses and families -- I missed all that. I don't have a house yet; I still live in the projects. But I am so proud that I got over a deep drug addiction, and that my children have seen a mother behaving the way she should. Angel has been a great son, and now he's proud of his mom. I'm a single mother with four kids, and they're crazy about me. Those other people may have houses, but they don't necessarily have what I have -- four wonderful, healthy kids who love me.

MY LIFE TODAY

Today I work as a Regional Treatment Supervisor for Hogares Crea. This rehab center provides jobs to those who have completed their rehab program successfully. I am in charge of 40 women in drug addiction, and every time one finishes the program, I feel I am giving back what God gave me. The more I give, the more I learn. I couldn't be happier.

TO EVERYONE READING THIS

If you have tried any substance, seek help before it becomes an addiction. If you are in deep, get help. You can get out of this. It's not forever. You are the one who decides to make that choice. We all have that choice.