WHO I AM

I am a man; I say that because it took 30 years to grow and rise to that definition. A man who is true to his word and loyal, a great friend, and a person you can count on. I am passionate, intense, creative; an actor, poet, teacher

Scot’s headshot.

and music lover. I'm 42, and live in Harlem. My father was African American, born in Durham, North Carolina. He recently passed after a long illness. He was my pillar and example. I got all my oratory skills from him. My mother is Austrian, born in Vienna. I went to kindergarten there and still have fond memories of that time in my life.

MY FIRST TIME USING DRUGS

I was 11. An older kid shared some marijuana with me, and I couldn't wait to try it. I remember how easy and relieved smoking marijuana made me feel initially. When I was going through any uncomfortable feelings like frustration, loneliness, boredom, heartache, anger or fear, pot seemed to help me cope. Marijuana set the tone and crippled me, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Of course, it took me over 20 years to discover this.

WHAT MY FAMILY SAID

For years they had no idea I was using so heavily. They thought me smoking pot was just a phase. By my junior year of high school,

Scot (left), 8 years old, with his brother, Christopher, 6.

it was rare that I didn't smoke at least once a day. In high school, I experimented with speed, hashish, valium, and acid. In college, I progressed to drinking vodka to offset the coke I was doing. Once they realized the depths to which I had fallen, my family was in complete and utter shock: "But he's so smart and talented, strong and successful...." Well, there some very bright cokeheads, some very creative heroin addicts, some wonderful people who are alcoholics.

MY CAREER AS AN ACTOR

I was thrilled to start winning roles, in films like "Malcolm X" and "Clockers." But when I was rejected from a role, it was like the world had collapsed. I actually justified my drug use as enhancing my creative abilities. I thought an artist had to suffer in order to create. I remember being up for a part in the movie "Glory." When I got the call that I didn't get it, I went into deep depression. I couldn't get high enough to keep that pain at bay.

MY WORST MOMENTS

Once,

11-year-old Scot when he first started smoking pot.

my girlfriend brought home $500 from work because it was too late to deposit the day's receipts. During the night I crawled on my hands and knees to the side of the bed where her purse was and took most of the money. At 5:30 am, I got up and told her I was going to walk the dog, but really I ran to the projects nearby and copped my dope and coke. When I got back, she confronted me. I swore that there was no way on earth I would put her job in jeopardy like that—she must have lost the money. I helped her search the apartment for the money she had "lost."

I found myself homeless, scared, cold, and lonely, I was walking around in NYC early one morning. I looked at myself in the reflection of a car window. I had lost close to 60 lbs. My inner voice said, "Oh cool, this is exactly how I'm supposed to be. Yeah, I'm homeless, but that's all right, I look good." I was smoking crack one afternoon, well, really 24/7. I was trying to scrape the residue of cocaine from the stem of my crack

Performing at Graphic Communication Arts High School in New York City in the late ’80s.

pipe, when the stem broke, the broken glass impaling itself in my hand. I took the glass out of my hand, and covered the wound with a sock that I found on the street. One day I got beaten up because I was late for my shift selling drugs to support my $120 a day, 10 bag-a-day heroin habit. I couldn't get high that day, and noticed my hand had turned black and green and yellow. I couldn't bend my fingers. That inner voice said, "Hey this hand is going to interfere with me getting high. It looks like it might fall off, I better go to a hospital." My going to get help had nothing to do with my drug habit almost killing me, it was more that my hand was becoming an inconvenience -- I couldn't hold the crack pipe or flick a lighter. I couldn't shoot the dope I needed or defend myself in the very predatory world of the streets. I never brushed my teeth or showered for the better part of a year. I had five layers of clothes on that I had accumulated over the 14 months I had been homeless, with

"Vision Warrior, conceived by Scot Anthony Robinson, is a tour de force presentation dealing with one of the most devastating social ills confronting our young people who have become victims of this predator. Vision Warrior has proven itself to be truly effective in reaching the hearts and minds of our young people." — Angela Bassett

bugs crawling on me, and a stench that kept people very far away from me. I guess that describes a low point.

BEGINNING RECOVERY

I was treated at Bellevue Hospital and stayed 10 days. My girlfriend's mom took me into her home, caring for me for a month, while I waited to get into a therapeutic community called APPLE on Long Island. As soon as I got there, I knew that place was where I needed to be. I did 16 months of inpatient treatment, involving both group and individual sessions. I slowly learned to forgive myself for all the pain and destruction I had caused to myself, and to friends and family, to my career and dreams. I really got to know me. The community gave me a place to change and grow; it gave me the foundation for a new life and outlook.

MY RELAPSE

I graduated from APPLE with honors, and a sense that I would never get high again in my life. But shortly after I got out, I started getting thoughts of getting high. It was shocking to

Performing for the Knicks Healthy Lifestyles Basketball in Chinatown, New York City in 2003.

me. I felt that I had failed. Instead of reaching out for help, I held those thoughts inside, and lied to friends and my peers from my rehab. I didn't want anyone to see my then perceived weakness or vulnerability. I copped some dope one morning. Then I bought some crack and drank some alcohol. I then went on a run for a month, returning quickly to the life I had led on the street.

The one thing I remember as if it was yesterday, I was looking down after having sniffed a bag of dope and I was just about to put some crack into a stem, when I saw my hands. They had started to turn black and nasty and dirty, and my mind went to that moment when my hand had been infected. It was an epiphany. I went to a phone booth and called the rehab center. I waited on the corner of 116th and Broadway and they came and got me. I spent eight more months at APPLE, learning that those thoughts of getting high were indeed normal, and reinforcing the concept that sometimes I would need help, and that

Scot with Yankee star shortstop, Derek Jeter, in July 2003 at a Turn2Foundation event. “To Scot – Thank you for touching the lives of today’s youth. You have definitely made a lasting impression on myself as well as the Jeter’s Leaders.” – Derek Jeter.

was okay. I have been clean ever since. That was almost 11 years ago.

WHAT HELPED ME GET THROUGH IT

Two years of very hard work...a lot of therapy, both group and individual...many friends both in and out of recovery, a strong network of family and friends that love me and are in my life with truth and accountability, love and support. Oh and did I mention my spiritual life? That is at the core of my ability to grow and to live and love, work, and realize that I am beautiful. It is my compass and trailblazer...my joy and counselor.....God is my teacher and friend!

WHAT I WISH I HAD KNOWN

That feelings are a part of life. No one is spared from heartache and pain, fear and loneliness, anger and frustration...it is unavoidable. However, feelings and thoughts cannot kill you, it's how you respond and deal with them that determines your quality of life, your character and health. Why did I do turn to drugs? For acceptance, out of curiosity, for escapism,

"There is no more meaningful work than to help heal the hearts of young people. I'm proud to have known Scot for almost 20 years and to have been inspired by his life, his courage, his journey and his work."   — Edie Falco

fun, rebellion, and chemical courage. But drugs never really help or erase, they never build your ability to handle life on life's terms. They only provide temporary escapism or relief. You cannot keep at bay problems, dark secrets, pain, or hard truths. No matter how far you try to run they are ever present and part of life. As are the joys...joys need to be experienced and practiced, embraced and felt, all by themselves.

I'LL ALWAYS BE PROUD

Of how hard I have worked in turning myself from being at death's door with a huge part of me dead, into being an example and light for others. I am proud of the man I have become and I am very proud of the work I do, "Vision Warrior."

MY LIFE TODAY

I have just celebrated 10 years presenting the show I created, Vision Warrior, all over the country. Over a million students have experienced it. A one-man performance piece geared toward drug prevention for youth, it is my life's journey, dealing with issues from

Scot with former New York Governor Mario Cuomo in October 2003 at a Partnership for a Drug-Free America breakfast event.

self esteem and peer pressure, to violence, relationships, and the importance of expression of feelings. I am clear the show was the only reason my life was spared and it is at the core of my life.

TO EVERYONE READING THIS

There is hope! If I can pick myself up after losing almost everything of life -- my health, my self respect, my mind, my dreams, my spirit, my family and friends -- if I can turn that devastation around and come back to life and become a light to so many others, if I can, anyone can! There is hope!