WHO I AM

I am 49, and Mexican-American, born in L.A. My father passed away when I was 5. We moved to my mom's hometown, Visalia, in central California and she remarried when I was 8. I go back and forth from Visalia to L.A. often. I have

Less than 1 year old, with my father.

two brothers and three sisters.

MY FIRST TIME USING ALCOHOL

I was 14. My older cousin bought a 6-pack of Coors. I drank 2 cans, got a real buzz. Even though I got a hangover later, I liked the way it felt. My mom found me throwing up, and my cousin got into trouble.

SPENDING MY LUNCH MONEY

At school, I lacked confidence. I was really shy. I saw the bad people get all the attention. I wanted some attention and recognition, too. I starting using "M&M reds" (downers/central nervous system depressants). It was like being drunk, but I didn't smell like alcohol. They were four for $1. I would take those, then later in the day I took "whites" or "cross-tops" (uppers/amphetamine). I'd be pepped up, so my parents didn't notice my drug use. I was taking pills all through high school, as well as LSD, acid, mescaline, and "Black Beauties" (amphetamines). When I was loaded, I had more confidence to approach girls. I would buy drugs in school, in the

With my grandson, 2004.

bathroom, during break. I used my lunch money. I went from As and Bs to straight Fs. I was kicked out and sent to continuation high school.

MY SENIOR YEAR

I was looking forward to graduating and had aspirations to become a lawyer. When I was 16, a junior, I got my girlfriend pregnant. She was 15. My senior year, my daughter Yvette was born. I was in love with my girlfriend -- but she wasn't in love with me. She was a tough girl. I was trying to be a bad guy, but I wasn't good at it. I couldn't fight well. My girlfriend verbally and physically abused me.

STARTING HEROIN

In college this guy offered me a joint and I got all buzzed. I started smoking a lot of weed. One day, I aced an exam and went home early -- and caught my girlfriend with another guy. I was devastated. I felt like a fool. Two weeks later, I was hanging out with three good friends who were all heroin users. One of them was begging me not to do it. But I was loaded on pot and

Together with my kids, Debra and Larry.

wired and decided to try it. I was 19. My first time using heroin, I didn't feel it. Three days later, we did it again. I felt like I was in heaven. I felt like I could conquer anything.

I always took care of myself and thought I was in control of my drug use. When it got bad, I joined the Navy to try to kick my habit, but found a lot of drug use going on. My friends and I would go to Balboa Park and shoot up. I was training to be a medic. Two weeks from graduation, I got kicked out for going AWOL. I was visiting a girl in Visalia. We dated for awhile, and she got pregnant with my son, Larry, Jr. I took a county job at Tulare Hospital. It was a great job admitting patients in the social services department.

IN METHADONE DETOX

I was a functional addict for six years. My girlfriend got pregnant again, and we had a daughter, Debra. We got married, but were together for only a short while. My drug addiction got worse and worse. I went to the County, and told

1981: Strung out on heroin on my wedding day, my mother by my side.

them I needed help. They couldn't believe I was a heroin addict. I didn't fit the stereotype. I was Employee of the Month, I had gotten a promotion. They put me in 21-day methadone detox. I needed a lot more than that. While taking methadone, I shot heroin.

I ended up working for the welfare department. My caseload was families with dependents. Three of my clients were drug dealers. I did home visits, and they would hook me up. I would help them with paperwork and get free fixes. No one seemed to notice at work. One time, I had my needle in my boot, and it fell out during an office meeting. Nobody saw it. At the time I was living in my little brown Datsun and would get really strung out. My mother caught me sleeping in my car, and begged me to come home. I did, and stole my family's Christmas presents.

MY WORST MOMENT

I became something I never thought I would become. I did a strong-arm robbery. I was 30, hanging around this girl. She was prostituting herself,

Growing up with my sister.

and came up with the idea to rob a drunk. She said, "Larry, it's an easy thing." But it wasn't. He wouldn't give his money. I had to hit him and hit him and hit him. She kept saying, "Get him, get him." I beat him up. He started bleeding in the mouth. Even the money had blood on it. I felt so bad. I had blood all over me. When I left the house, all these little kids saw me. For days, I couldn't get this guy out of my mind. Finally, I found out where he stayed, and walked by right in front of him, to see if he was okay, and to see if he recognized me. He didn't.

ENTERING RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT

My family was pressuring me to get help. I figured, fine, I could become a weekend warrior-- work in L.A. and party on weekends. My cousin knew someone at the Asian American Drug Abuse Program (AADAP). I was real skeptical. I committed to 30 days in their residential program, and did well. As the time neared for me getting out, I got scared. I was lonely. I was so afraid of leaving. Everyone else believed in me, but insecurities started popping up. I left on Friday, and I was back in the spoon -- using -- on Saturday. In three months I spent my savings of $3,000 on coke. For the next 16 months, a friend and I shot heroin and cocaine and did burglaries. My veins hurt so bad. My friend got a $19,000 check. We went through that money in two months. My friend got so sick, he was admitted to a hospital. I would visit him and we would use heroin together in the hospital bathroom. When he got out, we stole 55 car batteries, sold them for $1 a piece and bought some dope.

MY TURNING POINT

In 1988, the Dodgers played the World Series and I was shooting dope. My friend and I had a plan to leave town. I went to my mom to get some clothes. She let me in, and cried for me. I told her I was leaving. She said, "Yeah you've got to go." That hit me so hard. In the Latin culture, there's a blessing that you give to say farewell: Dios te bendiga, Dios este contigo (God bless you, God be with you). My mother blessed me, and made the sign of the cross. I cried, seeing the pain on my mom's face, knowing I had caused it. She was always blaming herself for my addiction, saying, Maybe it was because I didn't take you to your dad's funeral, or maybe….

I knew I couldn't go any further. I was going to end up in prison, or dead. I asked my friend to drive me to AADAP. Diane, the intake person said, "Larry, are you ready to come back in?" I told her I couldn't, that I had a friend waiting in the car outside. She looked at me and said, "He'll take care of himself. When are you going to start thinking about you?" The hardest thing was to tell my friend outside, "I'm staying here." He asked me to at least ride with him to where he was staying. We scored some more: codeine pills and heroin. I came into AADAP buzzed. Glen, the coordinator, asked, "What took you so long?"

MY RECOVERY

I honestly didn't believe that recovery worked, from seeing others slip, but AADAP's approach really did work for me. Some other programs just tell you, you can't use. That wouldn't have worked for me. Instead AADAP taught me it was all about choices. You have choices, and the choice I make today is that I just don't use. I want to live. What helped me a lot was the Serenity Prayer. I prayed to it every night. The prayer speaks to me, to change the things I can, the things that I can control. It's about wanting to live a good live. No more excuses. My stepfather passed away a year ago, and my mom was devastated. Being drug-free, I was able to help my mom. She had one less worry. When she looks at me now, she doesn't feel pain. She deserved better -- and I deserved better.

MY LIFE TODAY

I've been drug-free for 16 years. I work full-time at All People's Christian Center near downtown L.A., as a Program Manager of a gang prevention program. I work with at-risk youths, making sure they receive tutorials, prevention, counseling. A lot of the teens remind me of myself at that age.

TO EVERYONE READING THIS

Family members, don't ever give up hope. Always believe. And for people who are actively using now, believe in something greater than yourself. You've got to have blind faith.