WHO I AM

I am a 41-year-old Japanese American man, alcohol and drug-free since I was 27. From as far back as I can remember, I had a very happy childhood, together with my older brother and sister, and my parents, too. I was born in Los Angeles.

Young and innocent, age 10.

When I was 4, my parents picked up and moved to upstate New York for my dad to work. All through school I had fun, on top of my studies. I was an average student, although looking back, I could have done better.

MY FIRST TIME

As I said, I had a lot of fun. I was about 14 or 15 years old when I started experimenting with alcohol and weed. My friends and I drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed, hangin' out and partying. I remember going into bars when I was 16. Buying weed and alcohol was not a problem. We used to party almost every day and every night. As far as the notion of Asians generally being less capable of tolerating alcohol (the facial "flush" effect), my cousin used to call me "rock lobster," I turned so red. I got past that, and had no problem tolerating alcohol. I'm sure my parents knew about my drinking, because I used to come home at all hours of the night pretty wasted. I don't think they knew too much about the weed. They used to be very cool about

Honeymooning, with Maria in Hawaii

it. The worst it got was when I came home one morning at about 7 am. My mother was awake and said, next time you want to come home that late, don't bother coming home. That is all she said, and it was back to normal the next day. My dad never used to say anything about it. My brother and sister didn't say anything to me back then, either.

GETTING IN DEEPER

I didn't start snorting coke until I was 21.We moved back to Los Angeles in 1983, where I took part-time jobs at a drug store and at a market. I started buying coke from the guys I used to work with. I bought it because of the buzz I would get. When I would get high, I just felt a tremendous rush. I used to snort it. I paid for it with whatever earnings I made from the drug store and market, which was most of my money.

I enrolled in the Asian American Drug Abuse Program's outpatient service in ‘86. I can't remember why -- isn't that terrible? I guess it was I was spending too much on drugs and

My newborn daughter, Lana January '03

thought I could do much more with my life. I was taking unnecessary risks as well. I was in the experimental/functional addiction phase or beyond, not knowing at that time that drug addiction is a progressive disease. It progressed.

NO GOING BACK

After I left the drug store and market, I got a job at a hotel. One of my co-workers introduced me to crack cocaine. After that, there was no going back. I was hooked. Once you start smoking crack, nothing else matters. Sometimes I smoked with other people, but usually I ended up using by myself. Being alone didn't matter, just so I had my drugs. Using crack cocaine was a lot different than just snorting. The feeling is so much more intense. I did anything to get high. The whole world revolved around me getting my drugs. I cheated, lied, and stole to get my drugs. I hurt the people who I loved the most.

MY TURNING POINT

I was arrested for sales and possession, and spent the night in jail. My auntie

What I live for.

put her house up for my bail, and when I got home that night, I remember my mother saying that she was glad that I was okay. She gave me something to eat and I probably slept for a day. After my mom and auntie bailed me out, they and a cousin took me out to eat and I broke down crying. After I ate and got some rest, I hit the streets again. Christmas of 1988, I went on an eight or nine day run, meaning that I stayed out and was smoking crack, basically living out of my car. My dad was the one who found me, somehow finding out where the dope spot was. The guy I was with saw my dad approach the car and was going to try and sell him some dope. I said, no, stop, that's my dad. That was the 26th of December, 1988. I totally missed Christmas with my family that year, how sad. Shortly after that is when I decided to go into residential treatment.

CHECKING IN TO RECOVERY

I looked in the mirror and finally said to myself that I needed to check into the program. Even my mother

Vacationing in upstate New York, August '03

who I hurt so many times, questioned me, saying, "Can't you quit by yourself?" It was so hard checking in because I would be saying I was a failure, falling way short of everyone's expectations. What would my family think? What would my friends think? What would I think? The shame was overwhelming. I would also be admitting that I had a drug problem. Me, a drug problem? Yes, me. I checked into the Asian American Drug Abuse Program's residential program in January of 1989. It was much harder checking into the residential unit than receiving outpatient services. It seemed so much more serious, which it was. There I was in AADAP's residential program, trying to recover from drugs and to find out what the problem was. The program literally gave me my life back. I was able to identify my issues and work through them in order to reestablish myself back in society. I think the biggest issue I had to work through was being assertive. I learned to assert myself. I had a hard

My little family Christmas, 2003

time confronting issues, internal and external. I had a hard time saying no. I ended up digging myself into a hole I could not get out of. The residential program worked for me because I needed treatment 24 hours a day. My life was that messed up.

ON BEING IN TREATMENT

My first day in the program, it went okay. I was nervous, I was away from my family for the first time. My new family — the counselors and other clients — helped me out. Most did, some did not. No problem, that's what groups are for. That's where I would have to practice asserting myself. The program is very structured, with very little free time. You start your day with a 6:30 am wake up call. Breakfast is at 7 am sharp. At 8:30 am, you clean and cook for the house. You have a few minutes to interact with your peers, then at 11:30 you have lunch. At noon, you can go upstairs for a few minutes to prepare for the afternoon. Later, you meet to discuss any issues that may have developed in

Me and my little angel.

the morning. Residents go to a creative expression workshop to explore their creative sides. After dinner, you can go back up to your room if you want. There's an evening meeting at 7:30 pm. Evenings usually consists of a group meeting on various topics and issues. At around 9:30 pm, we have a light clean up and then free time until our 10:30 curfew. Lights out at 11:00 pm.

The last day in the residential program is actually the start of the 4th phase of the program, when you have found a place of your own, which was new to me, never having lived on my own before. That was scary, also. I had to kind of walk through my fears, as I called it. That was 23 months after Day One in the program. After the 4th phase, which is 3 months long, you graduate.

MY LIFE TODAY

If it wasn't for the staff and peers or my new extended family, I would not have been able to succeed. My immediate family also played a big part by supporting me from the outside. Without them, it would have been difficult to get through the program. I am grateful to everyone who was with me then. I guess the reason that I started using were probably issues like esteem and lack of direction. AADAP's program saved my life. I decided to become a substance abuse counselor, and worked with clients for 11 years. I am now in the personnel department of AADAP. I am working for the same program that has given me so much. Today I enjoy bowling, playing softball, skiing, being with my family, and constantly applying all that I learned in my recovery. I'm pretty happy about how things are going today. A few of my most recent blessings I can count today are a beautiful baby daughter, a beautiful wife, a great family, and a nice little house. Oh yeah, and a life without drugs.

TO EVERYONE READING THIS

Be honest with yourself. If you find your life becoming unmanageable, get help. Don't be ashamed to admit that you may be an addict. That is the first step. Otherwise, you know what they say: Jails, institutions, or death. I believe it.